Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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