did you get engaged???
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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