I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Randomize
