She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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