Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
