Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
