Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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