Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
