If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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