I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
