I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
