i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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