dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
