If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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