Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Randomize
