If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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