Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
