Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
So many bounce houses so little time
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
pray to the hookup gods
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
