Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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