The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
