Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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