if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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