In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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