you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I'm at about main and main street
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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