I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize
