with your own penis?
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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