i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
