If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
