i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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