Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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