Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize