The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
