Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
My vagina is officially offended.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
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