I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
