You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Everyone says I win the strip club
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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