I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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