vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
