I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Then you guys just all showered together...?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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