My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
