I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
