I'm pants shitting drunk right now
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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