How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
