Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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