Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Randomize
