I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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