You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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