See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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