why didn't you poke me back
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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