We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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