I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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