Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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