I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
