i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
