Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
