If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
