You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
