Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
