What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
