I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
