"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
