Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
