C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I need to sanitize my soul.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
