apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
