You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
