What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Randomize
