You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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