I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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