just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
